I don't know.

Sometimes, I can't seem to get anything right.

Sometimes I feel as if I do everything wrong. I haven't the slightest clue why. You get yelled at and lectured and you feel so down, that it's as if you're suffocating and can't breathe. Somedays I just feel as if I'm annoying everybody just by being present. I don't know. It's like I don't know what I'm doing. What am I even doin with my life ? I'm very scared, and I feel very small. It makes me want to cry. I can't dovthis anymore. I just can't. 

Loves,

Hany Shah Al Edruce.

Thoughts

   

                            5:38 a.m.

It's dawn already, and I haven't slept a wink. 

To normal people, it's probably the starting of their day. But a night owl like me ? It's probably about the time I'm nodding off on my bed.

At this hour, normally your thoughts run wild. You think about anything to everything. Your hopes and dreams. Your problems and distress. Your parents, your family. Your futures, your fears. Those voices that you hear in your head. Everything.

And at this hour, you get scared. You get scared of what tomorrow might bring you. You get excited. Excited and anticipating what will happen tomorrow. And we go through this everyday. It's what makes going through the days bearable. It's one of the joys of being alive in this world.

What would our future be like ?

Can you imagine what you'd be doing at this time 10-20 years from now ? 

Loves, 

Hany Shah Al-Edruce

Existence

Existence; the fact or state of living or having objective reality.

Ever feel as if you don't exists ? As if people can't see you even when you're standing in a crowded room ?

Sometimes, I can't help but feel that at times. Like for example, a friend can make it look like as if you don't exists in their memories. Those memories that you've cherished so deep in your heart and mind, some things thatyou know you won't forget no matter what happens. But you know, anger and resentment can make people do lots of things. Things that they dont realize that can hurt others. 

Sometimes, you can't help but feel that your existence is not important. That your mere existence holds no meaning to people around you. And sometimes it's true. We need to understand that we don't mean anything to some people. 

But one thing you need to understand, you need to remember that you need to be important to YOURSELF. You need to appretiate you. You need to put yourself first before you can put others ahead. That's the only way you can be sure that you won't hurt so bad. It's one of the way to protect yourself. 

You need to remember, that your existence may have no meaning to some people, but to yourself and a certain others, you are important. 

Love,

Hany Shah Al-Edruce

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Disappointment

I've been disappointed many many times before. About you, about them, about myself.

And a girl can hold on for only so long.

Sometimes...

I just feel like giving up, like stopping every effort, like doing nothing in the end to avoid feeling disappointed again.

Most of the time, I feel as though I've disappointed my parents. They've put an obscene amount of hope on me that sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe. I feel as though I can't even make my own decisions. 

I'm just asking for a reprieve, some space to breathe, some space to be me. 

Love,

Hany Shah Al-Edruce

New year, Many changes.

It's been awhile, hasn't it ? 

I'm a little bit rusty people so forgive me if there's any wrong 😂

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR people ! It's 2014. Damn, didn't think it would come this fast. I'm turning 22 ! Still can't process that thought though. I still feel as though I'm this little kid that can't seem to grow up and be mature. Hopefully that would change one day soon. Can't keep being a kid all of my life right ? 

There's sooooo many changes this past year. For one, I'm currently studying in Kedah for my Degree. The distance was tough at first, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Syukur pada Allah SWT, I can adapt to being away from my family. 

One other thing that I learned last year is that, when Allah SWT closes a door, He would surely open up a window for you. Even if it's just some space to breathe. I've lost an important person in my life, due to egotistical attitude. But I'm not the type that would force people to change, i just take it as a lesson in life, that not everybody can accept you as you are. Well, for old time sake, I'm taking this chance to make a public apology. I'm sorry. Halalkan segala makan minum ilmu saya, maafkan segala salah silap saya. And I just have to say that I can't go through the things you've put me through any longer. I'm sorry that it's come down to this. 

And this year also, I lost my last standing Grandfather. He was my mother's father, and his absence is felt by all of our family. Al-Fatihah to my beloved Atuk. 

Before my ramblings go any further, I'll just stop this here. Again Happy New Year everyone ! Hoping this new year will bring many many Rezeki to all of you out there 😊

Lots of love,

Hany Shah Al-Edruce.

Started with a PHOTOSHOOT ...

It all actually started by a friend asking for help doing a Photoshoot

for her friends', a Photography student, Final Assignment

After that, me and my 3 other friends ended up being 2 Photographers' model . We spent 4 nights out to complete everything . We hung out after the shoot and ate at a restaurant and we actually became good friends with the Photographers, oh I forgot to mention, their names are, Mohamad Amernuaz B Mislan, or Nuaz as people call him and Wan Faried B Wan , or Faried as people call him. They're both good guys, though they'd always ended up as the butt of our jokes , Sorry korang.

I was first asked by my levelmate, Ayu, to be a friends' model because he didn't have one yet. At first I was like, " Be a model ? Me ? I'm not even that beautiful, or even tall enough -.- " and she said that her friend tak kisah sangat, he just wanted a free haired girl , and I pun okay kan je la.

The first time I met this "friend", I was so messy, wearing a big t-shirt with my purple pheasant skirt and my big spectacles holding my Arabic's book (because I had an oral test later that day). In my heart I was thinking "haha, mesti this dude menyumpah seranah tengok dapat model yang macam ni," I was laughing to myself. We met, he introduced himself and showed me what I should do and how I should do it. We agreed to meet that night.

Malam tu, I hangkut all of my besties, there was four of us in my friends' car and the photographers wanted to tumpang letak barang in our bonnet, so kitorang meet up dekat Dimensi, and when I went to help letak barang, nuaz asked" Umm mana satu hanim eh ?"

I was standing right infront of him and I'm like, "Anym la anym , why ?"

And he was starstruck, I had my make up on, I wore my modeling clothes and he said, " Eh yeeeke ? Kenapa lain ? Tak tak, tadi sememeh gila, macam serabut ja tengok,"

And I was dumbfounded , REALLY. This dude is seriously honest T.T

Fine tu tak kisah sangat la kan, the first night went fine and it ended with us going to some restaurant and eating dinner.

On the second night, I remembered either Faried or was it Nuaz that said, "Kitorang tak pernah la jumpa orang macam korang, ingatkan budak budak Banking semua macam nerd nerd ja," T.T

Again I was dumbfounded, never have I met dudes that are so honest. I thought, okay la diorang ni, boleh buat kawan AND thank Allah the situation wasn't awkward AT ALL.

The third and fourth night went with only one mishap when their lighting didn't arrive on time and I got upset and went quiet feigning a stomachache. Sorry for that. Malas dah nak bercakap time tu, so better to sit and be quiet daripada Anym naik baran and mengamuk tak tentu pasal.

So on the end note, I've got some of the pictures from the photoshoot and I want to show it to you guys out there, whoever you may be, these are the ones that I've picked but not the end result okay ? So bear with me :)

A long ago draft being posted only now :)
Love xoxo
Hany Shah

Sad news at dawn

Today, 7th of January 2012, at almost 6 a.m. , we got news that my last living Grandma passed away.

Right now sitting in front of my laptop while waiting for my sister to get ready, I am taking a quick minute to write down how I feel. Eventhough I'm not that close to this Grandma but she had always been there for me whenever I needed her. It's so sudden that I think it haven't really sunk in with me yet. We're heading to my Uncle's house first, where the body is and then we're gooing back to Mums' hometown which is Negeri Sembilan.

You know, Wan Bongek has been the type of Grandma that has always been there when any of us needed help. I hope she is placed in Heaven with the people that are cherished and blessed by Allah SWT and His Rasulullah , Nabi Muhammad S.A.W.

I'll pray for you Wan and Anym akan selalu ingat semua yang Wan pernah pesan and ajar .

Al-Fatihah

Love,

Hany Al-Edruce

Holidays & Assignments

Sad news ; TODAY is the last day of my holiday t-___-

Damn, that statement really killed all my joy. To add to my misery I haven't completed all of my assignments -__- Another kill joy statement don't you agree ??

Oh man, I'm gonna be soo dead . Dah la esok ada test Finance and I haven't studied, lepas tu Macro Economics punya test tak tau bila, tapi in this week and tak study lagi, lepas tu belum campur Statistics lagi. The fuck am I gonna dooooo ? Shit, sekarang ni puun , bukannya buat assignments, online lagi -__-

Macam mana, macam mana ? Haadoooi -__-

Malam ni maknanya tak tido la niiiii . Here's to sleepless nights t-___-

Loves,

Hany Al-Edruce

A Holiday Away :)

right now, i'm reporting from pangkor with my baby cousin at my side skyping on my laptop -.-"

hahaha, never thought i would say something like that. anyway, i'm updating from my blackberry, so mind my writing yeah ?

besides that, tomorrow, i'm hoping that it's gonna be awesome . playing by the sea, swimming in the pool, going to watch the scenery and maaany more activities :)

i guess i'm signing off here so i can go to sleep and wake up bright and early tomorrow morning :)

loves,

hany al-edruce

Been reminiscing lately

A song can bring back a lot of memories

To a person that loves, I mean LOVES to sing , this is so true. Lately I've been hearing a lot of old songs from my school days and it brought back a lot of memories. Like how we used to sing "Simple Plan's - Perfect" when we were walking home from school. Like how my bestfriend used to love the " Coin-operated boy " and that " Lemon Tree " song. Ohh and how my brother liked to listen to that Japanese song " Speed Master ". He made me love that song also. I kinda memorized it already -.-"

I loved Radja's song "Jujur". That made me cry everytime I heard it . What can I say, I'm actually an emotional person. To me a song can be anybody's strength, a lot of song have helped me through every situation. When I had an argument with my parents (there was a lot of those), I used to listen to heavy rock songs from The Subways, Metalicca's "St. Anger", oh and also from Demi Lovato sometimes .

It helped me a lot, it really did :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love those type of songs that brings back memories. The good, the bad and everything in between .

Loves,

Hany Al-Edruce

p/s : Notice the initials ? I'm just trying something new :)

AFTER FOUR LONG MONTHS

As I scrolled down my blog, I noticed something ; I haven't updated for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS -.-"

How I have been neglecting you baby boo :'(

Anyways, let us move on to other more important things shall we ? Firstly, I do want to say, I've become slow in typing -.-" Though I can still type, just not as fast as before. It's sad reaaaaallly. Again, moving on. Sooooooooo, second semesters result came out, and as usual I knew my pointer would drop. In my defense ,it's not as if I did it on purpose though, I was sick when I was taking my exam papers. Can you blame me ? Well actually you can, because it was my fault I didn't study ahead of time but what can I do about it now ? Even though it's all water under the bridge, I still regret it though :( So this semester, I am trying really hard (not THAT hard really) to pay more attention to my studies :)

As for now, there are a lot of things that has happened over the course of 4 months and even I'm not that stupid to fit all of it in one post. It's just, I've been wanting to write again, for awhile now but I never could find the right time :( So now that I finally got the chance, there's really so many things I want to say, that I've kept inside, trying to voice it aloud .

So for now I guess this is all I can say without rambling on longer. I'm stopping here so I can go tweak my blog a bit, change the song maybe ? Or the background ? Oh but I really like the picture :)

All those other things that I want to say, well I'll just save it for the next entry shall I ?

Loves <3

anym

as days go by ,

as days go by, and time flies , i became lazier and lazier to update my blog . you know what bloggie ? you use to be my place to write everything . and i mean €€eveeerything . what happened to us ? doooon't worry aa . insyaallah i will always update you . i love you no matter what :)

Once you sit back and ponder...

Shite and everything that's WRONG !

Again this is just me being a bit dramatic while swatting bugs that are flying in front of the desktop . Anywaaay , talking about pondering and sitting back thinking , I've realized that I have been doing it a lot these past few days . And I do mean a LOT . I've been thinking about what I've done , what I'd like to change , you know the usual stuffs . I've come to realize that there are a looooot of things about myself that I'd like to change . But when I get that chance to change something , I can't . I can't because I'm scared . What ? I'm only human right . And EVERYONE is afraid of changes . Right now I'm just trying to get through everything one step at a time . Day by day . I guess that's the only thing I can do now . I'm 19 this year , and like it or not , I'll be 20 next year . Can you believe that ? Me , the girl who ALMOST everyone sees as a little kid ? Actually being 20 years old next year ?

I had a sheltered life as a kid and teenager . I wanted to grow out of that protection . But when the time actually comes for me to be a grown up , I feel the BIGGEST urge to run back to familiar stuffs . I know the family will always be supporting me in whatever I do , but I still can't help to think that I'm not , in the SLIGHTEST bit , ready to face the big WORLD . In times like these , I wish to be back in the protection of school . Having fun with friends , getting money from parents , and just being a KID again . Shit , thinking of facing the WORLD can make me break down in tears . Ya ALLAH , I hope you can give me courage in everything I do , in every decisions I made . Amin .

loves <3 ,

anym

Iqmal Izwan

I know i've done many things wrong . I've lied to you, i've ignored you and I hate doing that to you and  I'm sorry for that . I started to feel like you don't understand me and I don't understand you . I 'm not saying it's your fault , when it's actually mine . You're a great guy , you've never once yelled at me and never ever made me feel uncomfortable , so I thank you for that . I just think I'm not ready for it yet . Maybe I'm just weird like that . It's all my fault and I'm really sorry for breaking up with you, for breaking your heart . I'm just a little girl still scared to love anyone, and sometimes I get bored with people really fast when I can't understand them . I can't lie to you anymore . Sorry . That's all I can say . 

FULLSTOP

I'm starting to have doubts . Fullstop .

7 days = a week =)

Love by Extremebiker

It's been a week already !

I've been Iqmal Izwan's girlfriend for a week now .

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

hahahahha , see how weird that sounds ? Well not that weird but sebab kan i haven't been anybody's girlfriend for almost three yeaars , suddenly than BOOM ! i'm his girlfriend alreaaaady .

Hahahah , so i'm sorry if it's a bit awkward for me to talk about him .

Okay so firstly , Kami sebaya . our birthday's the same date ! 10th APRIL 1992 . ^_^ . I met him three months ago but i won't tell hooooow . =)

He's a nice guy so faaar , meaning buat masa ni dia tak menunjukkan anything that could make me doubt him . It's still awall lagi pun , don't you think ?I'm still a bit shy around him . Idonotforthelifeofmeknowwhyyyy! Hahahah , seriously , kalau biasa biasa I am not the shy type of person . SERIOUSLY memang tak puuun ! n_n

He's not handsome but of course to me he's cute . And to me he acts sooo cute , different from he is with his friends . He calls me baby , and sometimes sayang . And sama la kalau if vice versa *-*

My friends say he's suits me sebab kitorang dua dua muka innocent ? bahahahha , like i'm that innocent . But well what other people see is different from what we see . Mungkin what I see is different . He's taaaalll ! Beza kami sangat jauh . Macam beza tinggi anym dengan Murni (classmate) . So kawan kawan kata kami amat comel =)

Now after three years of not being someone's girlfriend , i'm a bit awkward at times . Baby kita harap awak faham lah kan . And about benda pelik yang kita suka buat tu , I hope you can have a bit patience with me . Ingat kan what you said to me ? That awak akan sayang kita selama kita sayang awak kan ? So I'll try my best to love you baby . =)

loves,

anym ♥♥

patience

Just be patient little girl ,

you'll grow up someday ,

even when you don't want to ,

Someday you will .

cry your heart out

CRY YOUR HEART OUT

AND

YOU'LL BE FINE .

hold on tight , I'll always be there for you .

i wish SOMEONE would say that to me .

Hold Me Tight by purpLe-cLoud

I need a baby now , but i don't know if i can be someone's baby . It's been so long and fyi Mr. F , you've made me insecure . Maybe saya seseorang yang terlalu memilih , dan mungkin juga saya takut untuk fall in love again . I can't trust someone with my heart anymore . not even with my bestfriendss . Eyka baby , i'm sorry sebab awk jauuh and to me we're moving in different circles now . So saya dah tak rasa macam best friend awk lagi dah annd don't take this the wrong way , but i do still love you like my besfriend . There are too many memories , and i mean TOO MANY memories with you sayang . I won't ever forget that .

To you baby , I'm sorry . Maybe lately you perasan yang I macam tak layan you sangat . This is because I'm starting to shy away again . It's a sindrom . Kalau I rapat dengan seseorang , lama kelamaan I'll start to like him . But when i realized i do , I akan jauh kan diri dari orang tu . It's because I'm scared . I'll start to think , 'will he fit in with my friends ?', 'will i fit in with his friends ? ' , 'will he love me for me or for who he wants me to be ? ', 'will i try to change him ?' , 'should i be his girlfriend ?'

Everything is sooo scary to me again . Now you''ve requested that thing on facebook , hmmm . Baby sorry , I'm not ready . I tak tahu whether you'll understand , tapi I beg of you , Please try to understand me . I need you to understand . I do like you , I just need some time .

Anyway sekarang dah nak dekat finals , I haven't even started to study yet . Ya Allah hanim , when are you going to start ? Paling penting brush up more on your Accounts , tu paling teruk oook ! goooooosh ! n_n

Again to peoples i've mention , don't take what i say the wroong way ok . Especially you Fatin Zulaikha ! I love you and to you baby , I do like you ! ^_^

tribute to you

TRIBUTE TO YOU SYU BABY ,

"mood ; raising my MIDDLE finger ."

xoxo

Anym