I don't know.

Sometimes, I can't seem to get anything right.

Sometimes I feel as if I do everything wrong. I haven't the slightest clue why. You get yelled at and lectured and you feel so down, that it's as if you're suffocating and can't breathe. Somedays I just feel as if I'm annoying everybody just by being present. I don't know. It's like I don't know what I'm doing. What am I even doin with my life ? I'm very scared, and I feel very small. It makes me want to cry. I can't dovthis anymore. I just can't. 

Loves,

Hany Shah Al Edruce.

Thoughts

   

                            5:38 a.m.

It's dawn already, and I haven't slept a wink. 

To normal people, it's probably the starting of their day. But a night owl like me ? It's probably about the time I'm nodding off on my bed.

At this hour, normally your thoughts run wild. You think about anything to everything. Your hopes and dreams. Your problems and distress. Your parents, your family. Your futures, your fears. Those voices that you hear in your head. Everything.

And at this hour, you get scared. You get scared of what tomorrow might bring you. You get excited. Excited and anticipating what will happen tomorrow. And we go through this everyday. It's what makes going through the days bearable. It's one of the joys of being alive in this world.

What would our future be like ?

Can you imagine what you'd be doing at this time 10-20 years from now ? 

Loves, 

Hany Shah Al-Edruce

Existence

Existence; the fact or state of living or having objective reality.

Ever feel as if you don't exists ? As if people can't see you even when you're standing in a crowded room ?

Sometimes, I can't help but feel that at times. Like for example, a friend can make it look like as if you don't exists in their memories. Those memories that you've cherished so deep in your heart and mind, some things thatyou know you won't forget no matter what happens. But you know, anger and resentment can make people do lots of things. Things that they dont realize that can hurt others. 

Sometimes, you can't help but feel that your existence is not important. That your mere existence holds no meaning to people around you. And sometimes it's true. We need to understand that we don't mean anything to some people. 

But one thing you need to understand, you need to remember that you need to be important to YOURSELF. You need to appretiate you. You need to put yourself first before you can put others ahead. That's the only way you can be sure that you won't hurt so bad. It's one of the way to protect yourself. 

You need to remember, that your existence may have no meaning to some people, but to yourself and a certain others, you are important. 

Love,

Hany Shah Al-Edruce

• 
  

  
  
• 
  

  
  

Disappointment

I've been disappointed many many times before. About you, about them, about myself.

And a girl can hold on for only so long.

Sometimes...

I just feel like giving up, like stopping every effort, like doing nothing in the end to avoid feeling disappointed again.

Most of the time, I feel as though I've disappointed my parents. They've put an obscene amount of hope on me that sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe. I feel as though I can't even make my own decisions. 

I'm just asking for a reprieve, some space to breathe, some space to be me. 

Love,

Hany Shah Al-Edruce

New year, Many changes.

It's been awhile, hasn't it ? 

I'm a little bit rusty people so forgive me if there's any wrong 😂

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR people ! It's 2014. Damn, didn't think it would come this fast. I'm turning 22 ! Still can't process that thought though. I still feel as though I'm this little kid that can't seem to grow up and be mature. Hopefully that would change one day soon. Can't keep being a kid all of my life right ? 

There's sooooo many changes this past year. For one, I'm currently studying in Kedah for my Degree. The distance was tough at first, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Syukur pada Allah SWT, I can adapt to being away from my family. 

One other thing that I learned last year is that, when Allah SWT closes a door, He would surely open up a window for you. Even if it's just some space to breathe. I've lost an important person in my life, due to egotistical attitude. But I'm not the type that would force people to change, i just take it as a lesson in life, that not everybody can accept you as you are. Well, for old time sake, I'm taking this chance to make a public apology. I'm sorry. Halalkan segala makan minum ilmu saya, maafkan segala salah silap saya. And I just have to say that I can't go through the things you've put me through any longer. I'm sorry that it's come down to this. 

And this year also, I lost my last standing Grandfather. He was my mother's father, and his absence is felt by all of our family. Al-Fatihah to my beloved Atuk. 

Before my ramblings go any further, I'll just stop this here. Again Happy New Year everyone ! Hoping this new year will bring many many Rezeki to all of you out there 😊

Lots of love,

Hany Shah Al-Edruce.

Started with a PHOTOSHOOT ...

It all actually started by a friend asking for help doing a Photoshoot

for her friends', a Photography student, Final Assignment

After that, me and my 3 other friends ended up being 2 Photographers' model . We spent 4 nights out to complete everything . We hung out after the shoot and ate at a restaurant and we actually became good friends with the Photographers, oh I forgot to mention, their names are, Mohamad Amernuaz B Mislan, or Nuaz as people call him and Wan Faried B Wan , or Faried as people call him. They're both good guys, though they'd always ended up as the butt of our jokes , Sorry korang.

I was first asked by my levelmate, Ayu, to be a friends' model because he didn't have one yet. At first I was like, " Be a model ? Me ? I'm not even that beautiful, or even tall enough -.- " and she said that her friend tak kisah sangat, he just wanted a free haired girl , and I pun okay kan je la.

The first time I met this "friend", I was so messy, wearing a big t-shirt with my purple pheasant skirt and my big spectacles holding my Arabic's book (because I had an oral test later that day). In my heart I was thinking "haha, mesti this dude menyumpah seranah tengok dapat model yang macam ni," I was laughing to myself. We met, he introduced himself and showed me what I should do and how I should do it. We agreed to meet that night.

Malam tu, I hangkut all of my besties, there was four of us in my friends' car and the photographers wanted to tumpang letak barang in our bonnet, so kitorang meet up dekat Dimensi, and when I went to help letak barang, nuaz asked" Umm mana satu hanim eh ?"

I was standing right infront of him and I'm like, "Anym la anym , why ?"

And he was starstruck, I had my make up on, I wore my modeling clothes and he said, " Eh yeeeke ? Kenapa lain ? Tak tak, tadi sememeh gila, macam serabut ja tengok,"

And I was dumbfounded , REALLY. This dude is seriously honest T.T

Fine tu tak kisah sangat la kan, the first night went fine and it ended with us going to some restaurant and eating dinner.

On the second night, I remembered either Faried or was it Nuaz that said, "Kitorang tak pernah la jumpa orang macam korang, ingatkan budak budak Banking semua macam nerd nerd ja," T.T

Again I was dumbfounded, never have I met dudes that are so honest. I thought, okay la diorang ni, boleh buat kawan AND thank Allah the situation wasn't awkward AT ALL.

The third and fourth night went with only one mishap when their lighting didn't arrive on time and I got upset and went quiet feigning a stomachache. Sorry for that. Malas dah nak bercakap time tu, so better to sit and be quiet daripada Anym naik baran and mengamuk tak tentu pasal.

So on the end note, I've got some of the pictures from the photoshoot and I want to show it to you guys out there, whoever you may be, these are the ones that I've picked but not the end result okay ? So bear with me :)

A long ago draft being posted only now :)
Love xoxo
Hany Shah

Sad news at dawn

Today, 7th of January 2012, at almost 6 a.m. , we got news that my last living Grandma passed away.

Right now sitting in front of my laptop while waiting for my sister to get ready, I am taking a quick minute to write down how I feel. Eventhough I'm not that close to this Grandma but she had always been there for me whenever I needed her. It's so sudden that I think it haven't really sunk in with me yet. We're heading to my Uncle's house first, where the body is and then we're gooing back to Mums' hometown which is Negeri Sembilan.

You know, Wan Bongek has been the type of Grandma that has always been there when any of us needed help. I hope she is placed in Heaven with the people that are cherished and blessed by Allah SWT and His Rasulullah , Nabi Muhammad S.A.W.

I'll pray for you Wan and Anym akan selalu ingat semua yang Wan pernah pesan and ajar .

Al-Fatihah

Love,

Hany Al-Edruce